They Don't Have Time for You
About all the questions that start raining on you. Slowly just stopping in logic but the longer the questions are the more piercing your heart.
Yes, that's the question you make yourself in your mind.
About other people who don't have time for you.
About other people who are not that sincere to help you.
About other people who only think about their profit.
What's the point of giving yourself time?
I don't want to force those questions away, because I know that the longer you are kicked out, the deeper they stay in your heart. And more and more gnawing.
Let him go by himself. Although the process is not short ... and not easy.
Do not send him away before getting a definite answer. Maybe someday there will be answers even if not to answer that question.
Look... he doesn't have as much time for you as you'd expect!
A little... oops, once again there is an inner criticism that appears. Wanted me to throw it away like trash, like those psychology books taught me. Your bad thoughts are trash.
But apparently I can't just call it trash and just throw it away. He's still a part of me.
Even though the longer he was, the more he cornered me with questions that were sharp like a sword. You know it's sharp, why is it still maintained? You stupid! The other side of me answered it.
There's something I want to let it process, through the good and the bad thoughts. Hoping that one day I will find a speck of light from the sharp self-questioning.
He's honestly not trash, he's just trying to protect himself from being trapped again in false human hopes. There is nothing you can expect from human kindness.
Maybe not today. Maybe tomorrow, or the day after tomorrow. I can get the answer.
It's okay to pay back. Take time for me. This soul of mine is becoming a beggar of the time that other humans have.
Even though I didn't tell. Even though I just want you to sit here, enjoy the silence with me but the mind can't be silent too.
The time you promised to talk to me, just passed and was replaced by another day.
Should today I hope the same as yesterday? Or I'll just let you with your nature like that, not responsible for your promise. Yes... your promise was false, even though it was only a matter of time.
Never mind... maybe you need some time too. Not for you to give to me, but for yourself. What else can we do?
I just realized that time is precious.
I used to let time slip by not taking good care of myself, and the way I wanted. I'm just busy letting time pass to take care of those around me. People say it's a noble deed.
The most important thing is noble in front of God, not in front of humans.
Even though now I just feel, the so-called noble deeds actually hurt me because I have neglected myself.
Is it still noble in the eyes of God even though you don't take care of yourself? Whereas He is the real owner of you, the whole you. Is your Owner willing to just ignore His creation?
If this is the case, I feel that the first PPKN lesson was wrong, prioritizing the interests of others above one's own interests. Isn't that pretending to be God? In fact, only God can do it. Why even sacrifice yourself?
I'm tired. I'm really tired of giving that time to you. For all. Who will just ignore me.
What if I turn around first. Pausing gives time to myself. I also have to prepare myself to meet the owner of this body. Make sure I can take good care of it if I return to Him.
I don't want to be torn apart because of excessive arrogance in kindness to other human beings. Isn't that unfair?
Yes... that's it. Leave me with this pause until I am able to empathize with all of you again.